Living with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

***I wrote this post about a month and a half ago. I feel SO much better now, my medication works really well to combat the nausea, so I rarely throw up. I have started gaining weight!! Two days ago I was able to get rid of my bed in the living room because I no longer need to be on bedrest. The last two months and a bit have been THEE hardest moments of my life… I didn’t know it was possible to be in so much constant pain. I still feel sick most the time, but it feels like heaven in comparison and I am so happy to have reached a breaking point from the Hellllllll I was in. Anyways I wanted to share some of the things I went through in case anyone is going through something similar and needs encouragement. Hyperemesis Gravidarum really sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.***

March 6th, 2016

Today marks three weeks in bed.

Let me start from the beginning. When Zoey was about six months old I had this crazy idea in my head that she needed a sibling. Fast forward to now, she is two and a half YEARS old. That is how long it took for that crazy idea to become real. Doctors had no explanation for why it took that long, but now that I am in it I feel like maybe it was meant to be. God knew I needed some time to prepare for this one, because it has been… a roller coaster. To say the least.

Just took a quick puke break. Now I’m trying to find my train of thought…

I found out I was pregnant a couple days before Valentine’s Day. I was so excited. We prayed for this for so long. The day I found out I cried so many tears of joy. Two days later I swore I would never, ever get pregnant again and told Kris to schedule a vasectomy. Thats how bad it got that fast. I spent the next four or five days crying in pain and exhaustion and confusion.

Having a baby growing inside you is wonderful, amazing, awe inspiring, life changing. Having hyperemesis gravidarum is pretty much the opposite of all those things. There are those amazing women that go to the gym and run marathons and look gorgeous and glowing their whole pregnancy. Then there are people like me. I tried to walk to the kitchen to get myself breakfast this morning. The motion made me so sick I ran to the bathroom and puked up more than I have eaten in days.

The list of things that make me sick is so long that it could take up pages. Number one on that list being basically every type of food or drink you could think of. I am only nine weeks in. It feels like it has been an eternity. One day a couple weeks ago I felt well enough to visit a waterpark with my family. It was a miracle. I thought. I spent the next day in the hospital hooked up to an IV because I was so dehydrated and my body couldn’t keep anything down. That was the price of a few hours out of bed.

Nine weeks pregnant. My baby weighs .07 of an ounce and I have already lost 15 pounds and no longer can tip the scale above 100.

I am lucky though, some women have it so much worse. A girl I know spent much of her pregnancy with a feeding tube because she couldn’t get food any other way. Hospital visits were frequent for her. I am counting my blessings that from 6pm to 7pm my body will accept food.

Others cannot have children at all. The past two years gave me a small glimpse of what that feels like. I am blessed that has not been my burden.

I thought about writing this post at two weeks, but I could not think even one positive thought at that point. Now I realize how blessed I am. Before I was pregnant I was working so hard and rushing through life so quickly, I hardly took time to enjoy the little things. I notice things I didn’t before, like the little imaginary conversations Zoey has with her toys constantly, or how gorgeous the sky is… Through my window. I have noticed that I can talk on the phone for hours with my parents and my cute younger brothers, and that they love me enough to put up with my calls every single day, even though a lot of it involves me complaining and a lot of it involves  them entertaining me and distracting me from endless hours in bed.  I have noticed who cares about my well being enough to call and text and check in. A lot of people that I would never expect have written me sweet encouraging messages, without even knowing what I am going through right now, just noticing that I have been ‘missing lately’.

It has been quite difficult and quite a journey to come to terms with the fact that I can’t be ‘fixed’ right now. I’ve had some tearful conversations with my doctor, which have led to me trying many different things that don’t really help. I have talked to many women with this same condition who have told me that they literally have no advice for me to take away the pain, but that they will be praying for me and they know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it will come to an end.

I am writing this at home, on my phone, lying down in bed because that is the only position that doesn’t lead me straight to the toilet to puke. My family is at church. I guess I just wanted to give a little glimpse of my life to you all. Tell you why I have been MIA online. I hope someone else out there going through this will read it and realize they are not alone, there are reasons to smile still. Even if you have to look really, really hard to find them.