When Zander was first born I was on a major high. For the first time in almost a year I didn’t feel like puking c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y.
It was like this huge weight was lifted off me. Literally, I guess. Being sick all the time has a way of dragging you down, emotionally and physically. When Zander was born I felt like a new person. He started sleeping through the night right away. He was (still is) an angel baby. So easy going and just what I needed after a very loooooong pregnancy.
But around four months old something changed. The novelty of not feeling sick started to wear off. It was like I had been running my top speed for four months and the exhaustion was finally catching up with me. My motivation to plow forward with my new not-sick stamina started to wane.
I still remember hating pregnancy, but it didn’t feel like yesterday that I was having face time with the toilet bowl daily. For the first four months I felt shock and surprise and happiness every time I could eat something, but eating started to feel like a normal thing again.
Somewhere around this time my motivation to keep Zander on a strict schedule started slacking significantly. As I started just ‘going with the flow’ as far as scheduling, night times started to get worse with him. Which resulted in me being even more tired. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in a twilight zone (more about that here). You know that feeling right after you get out of bed and all you want to do is crawl back in and fall asleep? The feeling that usually goes away after half hour or so? I feel like I am always stuck there, perpetually trying to wake up.
Cleaning the house, keeping up with work, and even getting dressed in the morning, all feel like uphill battles that I am losing daily. Zander is in the pull-everything-off-every-shelf-and-out-of-every-drawer phase. He also has decided he hates it when I do my makeup. Showers are hard, who knows what hell will break loose during my five minute ‘survival shower’. I am constantly asking myself – play peekaboo or catch up on work?? Peekaboo wins more often than not. Earlier today I turned my back for a second and Zoey dumped a whole container of cheerios upside down all over the floor. As I watched my newly bathed baby crawl through cheerios and crumbs that stuck to him absolutely everywhere, I thought, this is a pretty good image of what my life feels like right now. A mess.
I am tired. Exhausted really.
Things are starting to get a little easier though. I have noticed that I randomly feel energy again (usually seems to line up with the nights Zander sleeps 12 hours instead of 7). And I am learning how to get things done even when I am sleepy. Having two kids to take care of has forced me to become more productive and better at prioritizing. Five minute showers and makeovers are my specialty. I can whip up a bottle in a minute and feed two babies at the same time. Zander’s tired queues are becoming more familiar to me and I am getting him back on a schedule. I am adapting to my new normal.
That is one amazing thing about humans I think. We adapt to whatever life throws our way. Adapt and rise above, even (maybe especially) when life pulls us down. We don’t really have a choice most often. Which sounds harsh, but it is really amazing what you can overcome when you have no choice but to try.
I am seriously hoping one day soon I will be able to feel AWAKE again. Like fully awake and alive and energetic. I would love to be able to look at a couch without getting all 😍😍😍 thinking about a nap!
In the mean time I am just drinking in every cuddle and giggle and slobbery kiss. I am even trying to savor the not so fun stuff, diaper changes, feedings, rocking a baby when my back is sore and the mess – I know it will go by too quickly. Zoey is proof. How is my NEWBORN almost FOUR people?!! I am also still doing everything on my list of things to do when you are dealing with newborn sleep deprivation it seems to help a lot.
People keep telling me that as the kids get older they will become a little less (physically) exhausting, but I am curious when that starts to happen? Moms of multiples, did you feel really tired 8 months after the newest baby was born? Is this even normal?!?! Will I ever feel fully awake again??
PS. These pictures are from our mini vacation here in Erie that I posted about a few weeks ago! Who knew a hotel room could be so exciting for kids? They both acted like they were visiting Disney Land or something, exploring every corner of the room and jumping on the bed. It was adorable.
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