What it is really like to be a mom.

Days seem so long sometimes, but at the end when I close Zoey’s bedroom door and breath a sigh of relief that she is silent, it suddenly seems like it has all gone by way too fast. Out of habit I wait outside her door for a minute and then wander around the house picking up her toys, books and clothes. I like to clean up before bed so we can have a fresh slate the next day.

Most the time as I pick up her toys I have little flashbacks of the day. Three princess dresses on the floor from when she wanted to dance and sing and play dress up. A little plastic spoon under the table that she dropped clearing her dish at breakfast. One pink shoe, the other one was lost somewhere deep in the crevices of the car, somewhere my non-flexible, pregnant body can’t reach. Fingerprints on the window from when she pressed her face against the glass and watched daddy drive away for the day.

I can’t help but realize that pretty soon these princess dresses will be packed away, pretty soon this lone shoe will be too tiny, one day she won’t need a plastic spoon. All her little toys strewn on the floor will end up in buckets along with her teething toys, newborn blankets, bottles and rattles.

Sometimes I just want to freeze it all and paint varnish over the fingerprints on the window so that they never disappear.

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I remember shaking the entire day in excitement and disbelief. I remember when I told Kris, the amazement on his face. I remember feeling her kick and dance inside of me. I remember pushing her out of me during what seemed like the most unbearable 34 hours of my life. I remember looking at her face for the first time and realizing instantly I would do it all over again. I remember long sleepless nights, post partum blues, falling asleep nursing, aching back, rocking and singing for hours. First coo, first smile, first laugh, first time rolling over, sitting up, standing and walking. It was all so beautiful.

Now she can count to ten and talk back at me with sass that is so adorable and surprising at the same time. She is going to be an older sister. She is going to turn three. She loves to bake with me, she loves to go on walks outside, she loves to play at the playground and make things with play dough. She could literally do any one of those things for hours and hours on end.

I just don’t want it to end. I want her to stay my baby. I want to be able to rewind time and experience those moments in more than just vivid, tender memories. I feel blessed to know that our family is eternal and that we will be together after this life. I shouldn’t ask for more than that… But something inside of me wants my family to be eternal this way.

I want to eternally be the person that she calls “princess mommy” and I want to eternally be her “best friend in the whole wide world”. I want to eternally watch her twirl around with that smile as if there was nothing better in the world to do than dance. I want her to keep calling the ‘kitchen’ the ‘chicken’ and I want her to always jump up and down and squeal in excitement at little things like a marshmallow or a flower.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there is beauty in every stage of life and I can’t wait to see who she becomes. I want her to experience all the things that I have and more, and I want her to know what it means to be happy in ways even bigger than getting a new stuffed animal or listening to her favorite song. I can’t wait to have conversations with her about things other than sparkly crafts and how her rainbow teddy bear is feeling that day.

If there was a way I could somehow have both though, I would take it. If I could rewind time at any moment and cuddle her again as a newborn baby, I would do it in an instant. If it was possible to relive the moments all over again, I wouldn’t even hesitate. I can’t wait to start a new life in just a few months with our little boy, but even something about that seems so final, we are closing a chapter that we will never be able to go back to again.

Why is it that life is always so beautiful and fleeting at the same time? Tonight Zoey grabbed my cheeks in her little hands and pulled my face right up to hers and said, “I really love you mama.” Then she kissed me on my nose, lips and cheeks. It was the best ever, but I am one I LOVE YOU closer to her turning three, turning 4, becoming a teenager, realizing I am not as amazing as she thinks I am. I have one less chubby cheeked kiss in my pocket than I did yesterday.

Basically if someone needs me I will be busy sitting on my computer looking over all the photos I have of my little girl and bawling like baby. If you have figured out the secret formula to be able to travel through time, please let me know instantly. In the meanwhile I am just going to try and keep soaking in these sweet moments that I am so blessed with like there is no tomorrow.