This morning Zoey was in a mood. It seemed like no matter what I said she was going to be cranky and give me attitude. I started to feel impatient and thought to myself, “Great… it is going to be one of those mornings.” But then I decided to do something different than I normally do. I decided to smile and laugh every time she gave me attitude. Not in a mocking way, in a “I am happy to be around you no matter how you are feeling/acting right now.” kind of way. An unconditional love kind of way.
I would love to say that she was no longer cranky the rest the morning, but I can’t. What I can say is that in every interaction we had, she fed off my attitude. What started out negatively would end positively. Every 5-10 minutes she would act cranky again and I forced myself to not act irritated and impatient (even though I felt both those things). WOW. It made such a difference.
My natural thought process is that if someone (even my darling 3 year old) is treating me rudely and disrespectfully, they do not deserve my patience. I also tell myself that if I am sweet and patient when she is the opposite that I am essentially rewarding bad behavior. I realized this morning that that thought process was just the easiest way for me to justify my actions.
Responding to toddler tantrums with patience is extremely hard for me. But I realized three things:
1: Responding to immature behavior with the same type of behavior teaches her that it is ok to be rude and impatient to someone you love, just because you feel annoyed/tired.
2: Zoey – the little person I created, the one who wouldn’t be here in this world if it weren’t for me – deserves my patience and love NO MATTER WHAT. Yes, we are all human and it is impossible to be perfect, but there is nothing she could ever do or be that would justify me treating her with anything other than love. Especially at three years old!!!
3: My mantra for life really applies here, “Successful people (and parents) do things when they don’t feel like it.”
A normal conversation for us looks something like this:
Zoey – Can I have candy?
Me – No.
Zoey – But PLEASE (whining)
Me – No (irritated voice)
Zoey BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (jumping up and down in frustration)
Me – No Zoey, stop asking me. (really annoyed)
Zoey – BUT PLEASE (screaming and throwing herself on the floor)
So when we had this conversation:
Zoey – Can I watch TV?
Me – No (smiling)
Zoey – But PLEASE (whining)
Me – No, but guess what Zoey, I really love you (smiling still)
Zoey – hmmmppp…. (walking away, kind of slouchy) I am doing a funny birdy walk! Cock-a-doodle-doooooo!!! I am a chicken! (rolling on the floor laughing at her own joke)
I was amazed. She didn’t care as much about the answer I gave her, as she did about the attitude I gave her.
She didn’t care so much about watching TV, she did care that she felt loved and listened to.
Being a parent is being an example. For better or for worse, your children are around you from day one. They learn to model their behavior after yours. This morning was really eye opening to me. And also it was kind of awesome to find such a simple solution to the crankiness.
Maybe I am the only immature one who has been driven a little bit insane by an independent, stubborn and strong-willed toddler – but just in case I am not 😉 I thought I would share my little bit of insight.
Keep scrolling for more pictures or…
Coat, Hat, Pants: Old Navy | Boots: American Girl | Ballerina Boot Socks: American Girl
5 Responses
This is something I need to be better about. My little guy is only 15 months old and knows exactly rly how to push my buttons already. I am going to try what you have put into practice with your kids. Any tips for getting your toddler to listen to you? It’s amazing how defiant my son is at only 15 months old.
I can’t help but think that if our political life was conducted the way you conduct your family life, we would have peace and prosperity on earth. What wise words, Rach.
Sound so simple… I’ll have to try it with my own miss strong will – cranky pants. I hate how I feel after getting mad at her, but in the moment… that whiny demanding is super hard to smile about.
Thank you for sharing your insight 😊
Good for you Rachael. What you did took a great deal of effort. It works with all relationships but the self control is not easy especially if we too are feeling cranky. At times like that I try to stay away from others if I have a choice until I am feeling sunnier. Just more pleasant for everyone. It is certainly an exercise in building character and what a good example you are setting for Zoey.